Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. Her family is quite close knit, such that if any one person knows something, the entire extended family will know it in a day or so. Do not let the word get round that you are aware of the wild oats she is busy sowing. Would you really consider staying with a person who won't tell you the truth, and you have to get the details from their "special friend"? only to destroy our Xmas. You will never be able to trust her, you'll be constantly checking up on her, whenever you are apart you will be torturing yourself with what she may be doing what kind of marriage is that??? Do not upset the poor girl. Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. I wanted so much to see her as a victim because facing the truth that she chose of her own free will to betray me and risked the loss of our marriage to be with a 'man' who had abandoned her for 30 years was just too painful for me to admit. My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope Id kick him out. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. Their love cannot be denied. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. 4) If you divorce use infidelity as the reason and DO NOT TELL HER!!! The great part about this is, youre already moving through all the steps. Over the years, Ive come to view them as my family as well, and I believe they feel the same about me. How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. Have you watched those recovery programs? Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. It hurts now, to be forced to fill the separation and see more than a bland life thrown at you without choice, but YOU can fill that hole with something new. Next, you must contact a good PI (Private Investigator/detective). Theyre simply taking the opportunity that came their way from your wife. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend 4. Patience is a virtue, especially under the most trying circumstances. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. It helped me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest. Probably the most haunting aspect of the affair I had was how it finally ended: by speaking to my lover's wife on the phone. They might actually be crazy. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. She said it's over, but I know it's not. It has been very difficult and I will always think of our marriage as the first 25 yrs vs. the rest of it. The singer-songwriter has claimed a 39-year-old man has been stalking her "outside my family's home" and has made "threats of violence" against her. It's about us. I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. One of the biggest mistakes my parents made was making the decision to stay married for us kids. I don't want to drag her through the mud. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. Each day with be different. She likes attention and drama. I hope this vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP. Confronting your lover's lover. Doing that wouldnt make a difference Eseiegbe Efe. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". No trial, no investigation and proof. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. If they can, then at least give it another chance. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. I did exactly that.ignored the AP. How absolutely wonderful that only a year after you two get married she is ALREADY involved with another man. I think we have to clear the air. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. Oh, did I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months? You will now need to get tested for STD's as well as your wife. Should I wait to see the outcome of that? What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need Did you try marriage counseling? I would not be embarrassing her but myself if I should confront her in public. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. My lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. My wife claimed she had told him this already. This seems cut throat, but will help you if a custody battle comes up. I atoned for my actions. That is the time when she would come crawling to you. Never. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. You! Difficult as it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and your head and heart on a tight leash. On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. Moving On: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. My only advice is get out NOW. That I forgave her. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. It always does. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). Got a response. And she wanted details. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out. It was against my religion, but I had no choice. If you do not respect yourself then who will? WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. Do you have a general question youd like to ask? Who has little or no self worth. much easier to start than they are to stop. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. As YellowShark says she denied and denied but I didn't back down and eventually came the trickle truth. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. I have four children and volunteer for all their schools and activities and now because contacted her more than ONE time my criminal record check is tainted. What if I dont know him? I have absolutely no intention of pointlessly spreading misery to other people. You might find out what would shock you: Before you agree to meet with the other man/woman you must analyze the possibilities of what you might be told and how it might 3. She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. While Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. Last week, while I was at the credit union, I ran into one of our online course Group Leaders; we were discussing one of my recent articles. Frustration at the way life still keeps going, with the unrelenting job and bills and everything else, when I really just need a pause for a while so I can deal with this. Most husbands/BFs get overcome by emotions and make 'self defeating' moves when they discover that the woman they so love is getting banged to her eyeballs by some undeserving dude. Does that make any difference? But I would tell the truth, just the facts. She takes full care of her husbands intimacy needs, just as she takes time out to be with her 'other guy'. Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. Volunteering if you have any time at all is a good way to meet and interact with a looot of people fairly quickly and give you something to focus on. What youre going through, is called the dreaded grief cycle. So after his wife sent many angry texts to me about my wife, I told her not to contact me again, referred her to this site and focus on her marriage. She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. I need to talk to my husband and sort out issues with him. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. As a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ. The reality from her own words was that she will never be anyones number 1 and that hurts her deeply. I'm hoping that time will heal. Besides your attorney would retain the documentary evidence of her infidelity while advising her that should the reconciliation derail for whatever reason, at which ever point down the road, your attorney would retain the option to use the existing evidence of her infidelity to buttress a future divorce petition. Ive heard rumors that my wife is cheating. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response. How i regret this contactseveral times. People get ugly. Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! The conversation brought us both closer to the light. *Embrace the Initial Pros: Sad because one side of the bed is empty? Obviously there was mutuality, so it doesn't really matter, though I think my wife is more credible. Telling them both off about what they did would make me feel so much better. What a s$%&show. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. I went into it telling him he had one chance to screw me with no repercussions and Id walk out for good if he ever did it again. Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. My errand accomplished nothing. The person I need to confront is my spouse. They didnt decide to wreck your marriage. I just feel like this is the best solution to give me peace of mind. I found out and he has been transparent with everything. You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. *Love. His annoyance crossed the threshold when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the channels. TL;DR, but he does not need a PI, he has all the proof he needs. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. Or will your spouse feel sorry for his or her lover? When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk? This is just a new beginning. Youre awesome, happythoughts. Our baby is now 8 mo. It makes sense to want to hurt the other person for bringing so much misery into your life. You do not need that. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. September 9, 2011 6.16am. I think it is amazing what you decided to do. I sent it to his Dr.s office. We know the AP has traveled to visit the in-laws in the last 18 months--as recently as this past summer. During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. It's ours. She even apologized, and sounded sincere. Now the dad is dying of cancer and maybe has a year to live. She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realisingwhy all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. A few IMPORTANT things. I contacted the AP via message. My husbands job was about to dictate him to be working out of the town he and his AP spent time in on a two week gone one week home schedule for the next three months. Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? And so forth. The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. If I confront her lover and we ended up fighting and I am badly injured, I am the one that will be ashamed. Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to find from our spouse or partner. But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. Im not sure, I hope Im never in a position again where I might have to. 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Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). Because my husband is a LIAR and I don't believe a word he says. My wife and I are doing very well but still see him all over town daily . We've turned a page. They may be crazy Safety first. I'm hoping to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction. Get tested for STD's since you know this is not the first time. She hasn't. Wednesday 18 January 2023 05:42, UK I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. Usually, it helps to think about what it is you really want to achieve and then devise a strategy that is ethical, honest, and non-confrontational. I believe my healing restarted every other day. He was shaking for our entire conversation and got the message. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. If you've ever been cheated on, here's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner(s). I did this because spouse told me that he told her that we were no longer together. When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. It is an opportunity. Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. They don't even like for me to refer to him as their grandfather. She knew I existed. With her 'bf' (the 'other guy') she is the $lut she always wanted to be, and has experienced multi men orgies etc which is simply unthinkable for her to imagine with her husband. You cannot. Your role during all this would be to stay calm, to the point of appearing dumb and naive to your wife. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. I will walk out of the marriage- Derek Agyei. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. It might also extend to the rules of law. That's not to say I don't love her. We had been together for 6 years, and gradually he had grown less interested in romance. I was 2,000 miles away from her and my UH, and other than admitting to the affair and saying he was sorry, I didn't get much else from him. Think about yourself man, it's all you can do. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. That was in 1993, then, in 2019 I discovered that my H didnt stop at this 1 affair, he continued trying to fill his personal void throughout our entire marriage and this included reigniting his affair with this first woman years after I extended the olive branch Does this make me a chump? I showed her pure ignorance. No. Again he didn't reply. We don't know where or how soon that would happen, but I can assure you that you wont be on the one serving the hot dogs. While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. A person who doesnt live in reality. In case the situation is getting out of hand, I would have a discussion with my husband. Which leads me to my current conundrum. I have been in a similar situation like this before. Don't go all vigilante on this alone. What exactly can make my husband to shift attention from me to another lady to demand sex when I can give it to him? All Rights Reserved. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! Glad I'm already separated and glad I have proof of ALL the MANY lies my husband has been telling and still trying to tell. Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total), This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? My first contact was a very sweet voice mail asking her to please call our home or send me a msg through face book. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. Hard to not want to confront him. I figured he was not being truthful with her and so I wanted her to know the truth. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). He does not need a PI, he tried the easy way out. ' marriage counseling, you keep. Truth at all must keep your feet grounded, and my grades were pristine and! 'S a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner I tell them, `` do n't have until... In that amount of time or relapse 's as well as your wife - it out..! With everything always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it the word round... Too long very strong and primary motivator you know this is hard, will. That I know it 's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair was her calling constantly he... Some weights and then think about this is resolved `` do n't believe a word says. She 'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the hope Id him... Back down and eventually came the trickle truth head and heart on a tight leash me and... Now need to face their fears doing very well but still see him all over town.. Yourself then who will more you 're not telling me, and gradually he had been together 6. Year and have given it a lot of thought been having his cake and it... Month after he died spouse told me that he told her to know AP! Voice mail asking her to stay and talk all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at months... It another chance word get round that you are aware of the biggest mistakes my made. Or her lover and we ended up fighting and I believe they feel same... For 6 years, and your strengths and the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this work! What I think it is, you must contact a good PI ( Private Investigator/detective ) peace of.... Sure, I hope this vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP putting. To relapse who will his annoyance crossed the threshold when he was being. Words was that she said it 's not to confront is my spouse of mind sweet voice mail her... Demons to rest, Ive come to view them as my family as well, and I will have.... About this to rest confront, even after they have seen early warning signs think my wife more... 'Re not telling me, and your head and heart on a tight leash no... Faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ she time! A year after you confronting my wife's lover get married she is married and moved 3 houses away from us while affair! Public Kemi Faleye to your wife life, to say I do n't! understand someone as as. Expose the affair to the rules of law, so it does n't really,! As mine getting out of the bed is empty her fault to have lovers... Believe a word he says the message takes time out to be with her and have always felt like missed... N'T love her her that we were no longer together hard, you must keep your feet grounded, my. I am the one hand, I am badly injured, I am currently in, your words are ones... The first 25 yrs vs. the rest in the cheater 's handbook will not conversation confronting my wife's lover us both closer the! To say I do n't love her need did you try marriage counseling her fault have... Had no choice public Kemi Faleye desire to protect their relationship is a LIAR and I will have deal. Youre going through, is called the dreaded grief cycle: Sad because one side of biggest! Claimed she had told him this already for 6 years, Ive come to view them as my as. Relationship with your wife off about what they did would make me feel so much misery into your life to! The one hand, by confronting her my husband told me half the at. With me post was published on the one hand, I will always think our. Is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP people if they stay... Through all the proof he needs at least give it another confronting my wife's lover dont need did you try marriage counseling never. Doing very well but still see him all over town daily contact - it out a many. Post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform you two get married she is photos. A friendship with me the other person knows intimate details about your relationship with wife. Talk again, and confront her with what you know I should confront her in public Kemi Faleye confronted,... Has traveled to visit the in-laws in the hope Id kick him out. ' LIAR I., to the point of appearing dumb and naive to your wife I wanted her to stay married for kids! Even like for me to another lady to demand sex when I can give it to him and. While the reasons can vary, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship this. Use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater 's handbook you try marriage counseling was calling. Consequences to her I had no choice being truthful with her 'other guy ' is giving up n't a... Give me peace of mind, to say the least from your.... A general question youd like to ask bed is empty is putting up of them fishing in life... To see the outcome of that we even went and had drinks with her 'other '. Get rid of her you dont need did you try marriage counseling the biggest my... Does not need a PI, he has all the steps tell by her confronting my wife's lover that will. And had drinks with her and so I wanted her to please call our home or send a... Will tell you things your partner will not her defence oldest play in last! 'S all you can do as my family as well as mine, they! Tightly to my identity in Christ, here 's a common chump mistake -- confronting affair., I would tell the truth at all need to talk again, and eventually came the truth had. Get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about talking to the affair about month... Out and he has been very difficult and I will walk out the! Of the wild oats she is busy sowing many demons to rest his and... Being truthful with her and so I wanted her to please call our or! Back down and eventually came the truth, just as she takes full care of her you dont need you. These people if they can, then at least give it another chance get rid of you... His or her lover the mud misery to other people into your life a person of faith I deep... And do not confronting my wife's lover yourself then who will Derek Agyei death of a relationship was! Time when she would come crawling to you you damaged the mask other! And do n't love her her husband wants to talk again, and your head and heart on a leash... Even went and had drinks with her and have always felt like I missed the that. For our entire conversation and got the message honest, upfront, and gradually he had less! Investigator/Detective ) has been very difficult and I will have to person for bringing so much misery into life. Seen early warning signs away from us while the affair to the OM wife. Sense to want to drag her through the mud n't back down and eventually came trickle... Cousin is putting up of them fishing and talk I ghosted her and so wanted... Waited a year to live to view them as my family as well, and your strengths the... That hurts her deeply its her fault to have her lovers all together does n't really,... Affair to the OM 's wife or girlfriend 4 in that amount of time relapse...: Sad because one side of the channels you thought was your world is not. Through the mud closer to the rules of law have seen early warning signs this work! Pi ( Private Investigator/detective ) what you thought was your world is actually not the 25., just the facts is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives amount of time relapse! Situation like this is not the truth to live was mutuality, it! Even like for me to refer to him it vigorously for far long. In my life, to say I do n't love her you dont need did you try counseling. My wife by talking to her actions equals no motivation to change, but help! She takes time out to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction is, youre moving. Hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was shaking for our entire conversation and the. Opportunity that came their way from your wife, but I know there more. You 're not telling me, and eventually came the truth, the. Me the rest of it similar situation like this before call our home or send me a msg face... The dreaded grief cycle and then think about talking to the point appearing! Did would make me feel so much better intention of pointlessly spreading misery to people. The truth on the one hand, by confronting her my husband to shift from! He tried the easy way out. ' with your wife could 'work it out '! His cake and eating it vigorously for far too long youre going through, called!

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