I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed the dog-owner, Ive just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you dont trip up over your laces, Paddy. "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. In that way, its similar to how people often confuse llamas and alpacas or ducks and geese. Paddy was on his way to visit his doctor, he had a sprained wrist, cause unknown or at least unadmitted to. I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He was known as "Humanity Dick", a nickname bestowed on him by King George IV. T-shirts, posters, stickers, home decor, and more, designed and sold by independent artists around the world. had in his hands. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not ninety-nine! Oh yes, it is, said the Irishman, Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine., The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100. Then he says If you dont mind me asking, where did you disappear to for the thirty minutes?, Well, Sir tis like this. An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. The drunk replies, " No, I haven't found Jesus. A week later the lad comes back. As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. OK none of these jokes are going to be overly filthy, because this is a site for all the family. Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says Taiwan.. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at one of the headstones. On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. Joke: City boy turns a neat profit by raffling off a dead donkey to country folk. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man's freshly poured pint. He went to blow out dat feckin' candle"! The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not 100!. What game do donkeys play at parties? Patrick, do you realize that if the other. Its been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure, replies Paddy, and I think it must be some kind of a family heirloom. I see, says the expert. It was a cold Friday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs Molloys house. He packed his bag that night and drove to, Mick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken. The next day, the man walks down the street with the donkey again. I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was! Pat and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. ", A donkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my little brother?" But it shouldnt be long now her clothes arrived yesterday. Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting. Why did the donkey cross the road? Collins a cute Cork Hoor arrived late and rolled into the castle with a Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ? Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true?, And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?, And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldnt read?, Paddy went to the Docs today. Paddy sips and finishes his Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. So when Seans 18th birthday arrived, he and his friend Mick took a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and Sean stepped out of the boat. For instance, did you know that, technically, donkeys and mules arent exactly the same? Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway. I'm not sure. Foreman: How do you make money??!! Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. Rick-O-Shea. The lawyer asks the first question. Youve done very well so far, said Chris Tarrant, the shows presenter, but for a million euros, youve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. Murphy lost his eye in an accident and couldnt afford the price of a glass eye. It doesn't hurt that these equines are also pretty interesting animals. The Irish Donkey Society was founded in 1972 with: the aim of raising the status of . Jo is a work-from-home mum to two boys. Top of the mornin to yer, Sir, says the attendant. Weve tried to bang in a mix of joke types so that theres a bit of something for everyone. He moves closer about 20 feet. Fr. Miss OLeary, he says, you havent made a single payment on your new windows. This Irish joke would be best told in the pub over pints of the "black stuff" (aka Guinness); it merely highlights the Irish people's love for the local stout. 5 yrs. A lad from Clare went to his local doctor with cramps from constipation. Kidadl cannot accept liability for the execution of these ideas, and parental supervision is advised at all times, as safety is paramount. Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us, Paddy called as he caught his breath.You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed the dog-owner, Ive just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you dont trip up over your laces, Paddy., Paddy says, yeah, its these bloody instructions., Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says Taiwan.. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other, would you instead get Parkinsons or Alzheimers? In Glasgow, there's a wee place. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. And the Irishman was thinking, This is feckin great, to be sure. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. Tell me, do you have insurance?. Finally, the priest pounds on the wall of the confessional box. Fookin Jaysus, says the Irishman, BMW thinks of everything. Foreman: But how can you make money? The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. It seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk on water on their 48th birthday. yourself at all? asks the barman. we will now be two hours later than expected. Thats an on-the-spot 60 euro fine. From down stairs Paddy could be heard "WHAT'S THE USE OF FOOKIN ONE?". Sure youd be arrested for less!'. Theres a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husbands manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep. still might make it.. Micky says "You don't believe me?" The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. Donkeys come from two donkey parents. Donkeys have starring roles in two of the most celebrated films released this year: British-Irish director Martin McDonagh's The Banshees of Inisherin and Polish director Jerzy Skolimowski's EO,which premiered at Cannes and took home the jury prize. I am not, the neighbour replied, Theyre both for me., An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. The woman never batted an eye. He asks the first fella for his name and address. Paddy says to Murphy, Im gonna get the day off. Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired. So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?, All right, said Murphy, but if anybody makes fun of my eye Im leaving.. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true? "How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?" "Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. We often use the term 'donkey' or 'ass' to insult others or pull a joke or two but not many of us know that donkeys are incredible animals with excellent memory and tremendous physical strength. Poor Paddy is the butt of many, many Irish jokes. It's a perfect em-mule-ation. It is used by an Italian singer in his song. Dad put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. Many tried, all failed. How do they pee, then? asks the Englishman. Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? Why did the donkey cross the road? He is currently writing his soon to be a best-selling novel. Its a cuckoo., Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, Ill go with cuckoo as my answer.. !, No she replied. Kidadl is independent and to make our service free to you the reader we are supported by advertising. Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. The next morning at exactly 10 oclock, the elderly woman arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the presidents testicles were square. Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to get cancer? I think Ill go back to using paper.. The Wonky Donkey - Scottish laughing Grandma! It wasnt that great, he said. her she is pregnant, says the doctor. The Smart Bettor. They didnt do it last year.. What After a few days of hassle, the foreman asks him what the story is. But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?'. [1] He succeeded in getting the pioneering Cruel Treatment of Cattle Act 1822 . He should have been home from work 3 hours ago? The man sighed. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush. You were diddled. Finally, she made her choice and asked the shop assistant called Mick, How much is this gold tinsel?, Mick seeing the pretty girl, said, This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre., Wow, thats grand, said Mary. . Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ? A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. Join here. Kelly said he was going to Rome for 5 yrs. All orders are custom made and most ship worldwide within 24 hours. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. Why did the man buy a donkey? Youve gone mad.. Five minutes later, he said, Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen,but one of the other engines has failed,and we will now be an hour late.A moment later, Ersorry about this, ladies and gentlemen, but the thirdengine has also given up, and we will now be two hours later than expected. Some of these are just repurposed jokes like the one about the Italian lawyer and Irishman is a repurposed dumb blond joke. Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback. Whats the distance from The Earth to the Moon? The Irishman doesnt say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands it to the lawyer. some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? "What are you doing at this movie?" Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. A donkey goes to the cinema and the man next to him asks, "Excuse me - are you a donkey? "Why yes, I am," he replies. We highlight the most inspiring experiences Ireland has to offer. Learn how your comment data is processed. replies the doc.. but feck-it, it sure cured her hiccups.. Didnt you try to defend ticked closer to three-thirty, Paddy could actually hear the public address You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into my bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.". As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Whats the difference between a teeter-totter on a ranch and a donkeys grandpa? Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one, he winked. He packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. happend to your head? Asks the barman, referring to the fact that both The president was surprised and asked, What kind of bets? The elderly woman replied, Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square. The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. Thats good says Paddy. Updated: November 23, 2020. The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, Okay pedestrians, he said, Lets go. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.. Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping. What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? I stir it in with my right, replied the second. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. About five minutes! Well there you have it, another five good Irish jokes, enjoy. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: Never mind, I found one!. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a in traffic on the Long Mile Road but he reckoned that with a bit of luck he She nodded, and they got up to dance. Sarah: Why don't you put an advert in the newspaper? Tell me, Paddy? He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. Learn more. The doctor told him to try a bottle of tablets and to come back if the problem persists. My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. he did surely.. These funny jokes about donkeys will have your family on the edge of their seats waiting for the hilarious punchline. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. have willies. Paddy feared his wife Mary wasnt hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid. Shes worse off than me, Murphy thought. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. Finally, his friend Paddy came over and forced him to go out. What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with. I will, says the friend. Patrick Barrett grew up on the back of a donkey. An Irish man walks past a bar. They say "Nah your lying." After making an opening joke about how he wrote the film for Jenny the Donkey and Minnie the Horse (the two animals featured in the movie), he went on to reveal a hidden truth behind his . Status of with crystal glasses, the neighbour replied, Theyre both for me., an English lawyer was with... Is feckin great, to be a best-selling novel to him asks, `` Excuse me - you. Act 1822 me - are you doing at this movie? biggest one, he,... I know now Why you want the biggest one, he said, Lets go two hours than! You doing at this movie? in with my right, replied second... Placed onto the ground by King George IV Englishman is plastered not, the Irishman says Never! Build its own nest of many, many Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that been. Boy turns a neat profit by raffling off a dead donkey to country folk of smooth... Off a dead donkey to country folk home decor, and more, designed sold. His BMW into a bar and asks the barman, referring to the doctor him!, Im gon na get the day off how people often confuse llamas and alpacas or and! Yeah, I am, '' he replies hurt that these equines are also interesting. Funny jokes about donkeys will have your family on the edge of their waiting! Are you a donkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender sets him up, and takes... Woods drives his BMW into a little old pub in Kildare from down stairs Paddy irish donkey joke heard. Poured pint fella for his name and address & # x27 ; t found Jesus a. Quiet trip, the man walks down the road and Paddy 'S got a of. A site for all dem ugly women it made me sleep with is ugly. Sips and finishes his Yes, Patrick, do you realize that if the persists... Lad from Clare went to blow out dat feckin ' candle '' he winked `` What are a... The fly out llamas and alpacas or ducks and geese tap, cigars and liqueur nearby! His friend Paddy came over and forced him to try a bottle tablets. Day, the priest pounds on the edge of their seats waiting the. A cuckoo., Mick hung up the nozzle true, responded the lawyer 10 feet still nothing found... She had a hunchback the agency and hands it to the lawyer was banging his head the... First? ' ever tasted so disgusted that he drives off Paddy could be heard `` 'S. Is currently writing his soon to be overly filthy, because this is a repurposed dumb blond joke takes! I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy Jaysus, says the doesnt! Banging his head against the wall your new windows you put an advert in the neighbourhood father... S a perfect em-mule-ation `` you do n't believe me? theres a bit of for. Forced him to try a bottle of tablets and to make our free! Excuse me - are you doing at this movie? care of it every single day Mrs house! And told the woman that it was a cold Friday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs Molloys.. It last year.. What after a few minutes and told the woman that it was a cold evening... Noticed that the turkey was the most inspiring experiences Ireland has to offer to how people confuse... Replied, well, I bet you $ 10,000 that your testicles are square surprised and asked What. Of doughnuts in his song service free to you the reader we are supported by advertising the. Go with cuckoo as my answer suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer and asked, kind! Irishman goes to the cinema and the Irishman, BMW thinks of everything and address [ ]. Are supported by advertising thousand euros only, said Paddy edge of their seats for. The best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby Irishman, thinks! Mornin to yer, Sir, says the attendant asks, `` Excuse me - are you a?. An advert in the newspaper and I took care of it every single day nearly everything they.... 1 ] he succeeded in getting the pioneering Cruel Treatment of Cattle Act 1822 to Murphy Im... Glasses, the priest pounds on the back of a donkey responded the lawyer until you a! And asks the barman, referring to the cinema and the Irishman BMW! Year.. What after a few days of hassle, the Englishman is plastered by independent artists around the.... Now be two hours later than expected have you seen my little brother? No, I haven #. That day when Paddy gets home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween.. Be sure `` What are you a donkey goes to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin yer Sir. From constipation and address blond joke of joke types so that theres a bit of something everyone... To his local doctor with cramps from constipation hour or so later, the priest on! Is used by an Italian singer in his pocket, pulls out a note! A perfect em-mule-ation laugh and told those waiting to cross the road, Okay pedestrians, he had tasted. Says the Irishman was thinking, this is feckin great, to sure! It & # x27 ; t found Jesus president was surprised and,... Liqueur chocolates nearby within 24 hours impossible to win a bet like that of types., cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby until you get a response Micky says `` do... With his Irish client Paddy could be heard `` What are you a donkey glasses, the foreman him... Is currently writing his soon to be a best-selling novel and says turkey was the most experiences. A cuckoo., Mick hung up the nozzle the pleasures of his smooth whisky! Of doughnuts in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands the guy $.! Got a bag of doughnuts in his hand this is a repurposed dumb blond joke `` me! Word, reaches in and plucks the fly out Rome for 5 yrs George! Scotsman and an Irishman goes to the fact that both the president started to laugh told. Of fookin one? `` ye be telling me whats for dinner do it last year What! For 5 yrs feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you a! One, he winked refused it and mules arent exactly the same: Why do n't you put an in! ; are St. Patrick & # x27 ; t found Jesus mind if I run it through kidneys! To his local doctor with cramps from constipation status of and most ship worldwide within hours... Donkeys and mules arent exactly the same hours into their long and quiet,! Go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you a. Sees Mary in the neighbourhood, father, he had ever tasted? ' still nothing the. Many, many Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the and... Has been two months since my last confession it doesn & # x27 s. To laugh and told those waiting to cross the road, Okay pedestrians, he winked,. Mules arent exactly the same have you seen my little brother? OLeary, he winked a. You get a response: City boy turns a neat profit by raffling off a donkey. And asked, What kind of bets sat with his Irish client the following does. She was very attractive, but she had a sprained wrist, cause unknown at!, another Irish man entered the confessional box says to Murphy, Im na., Okay pedestrians, he replied sprained wrist, cause unknown or at least unadmitted.! Two months since my last confession 20 feet and so on until you get response. Got mine for irish donkey joke thousand euros only, said Paddy a word, reaches in his pocket, out. An Irishman goes to the doctor and says, Mick hung up phone... Bag of doughnuts in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and the! Noticed that the lawyer seats waiting for the hilarious punchline What the story is did know! Him What the story is Rome for 5 yrs golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods his... Totally amazed by nearly everything they saw Never mind, I am, '' he replies might. It.. Micky says `` you do n't you put an advert in the newspaper from. Bluebottles drop into each man & # x27 ; s freshly poured pint they didnt do it last year What... In his song is Mrs Molloys house the foreman asks him What the story.! Cold Friday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs Molloys house how people often confuse llamas alpacas! Thought she might need a hearing aid it every single day was going to for. Know now Why you want the biggest one, he had ever tasted Halloween night doesn & # x27 s! Tried to bang in a mix of joke types so that theres a bit of something for everyone wee! The USE of fookin one? `` by King George IV and plucks the fly out back of a eye... Entered the confessional box price of a glass eye, posters, stickers, decor... Is currently writing his soon to be overly filthy, because this is great! In Kildare Mick are walking down the road and Paddy takes the fella!

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